Potty Training Problems, Peaceful Solutions
Potty Problems, Peaceful Solutions
Today we’re going to focus on peaceful solutions for potty-training accidents.
I want to share a story with you about a patient of mine: Tanya is the mom of 3-year-old JJ. Tany’s hoping JJ will go to daycare soon. She spent a lot of time researching daycares and comparing them and finally decided on what she thinks will be the best daycare for her little guy. It’s more expensive than the rest but Tanya felt it was worth it. The only problem was that JJ has to be out of diapers before starting daycare.
Tanya decided to use the 3-day system, in the hopes that JJ could start daycare sooner. Things went brilliantly and JJ was all set to start daycare the following week. And that’s when the accidents started to happen. I’ll spare you all the details and ups and down, but It took another 3-months before JJ was ready to start daycare. This isn’t a criticism of the 3-day approach. It’s more of an opportunity to talk about how to manage potty-training accidents.
Today we’re going to focus on how to think about and respond to potty accidents, so we send a child the right message.
Accidents are going to happen—most likely a lot. When we think of accidents as part of the learning process, they’re easier to respond to peacefully. If you assume accidents are happening because potty training is failing, you’re more likely to respond in ways that send a negative or confusing message.
There are positive aspects to accidents.
Your child learns many things from them. She learns about what it feels like to be wet. When kids wear diapers, they often don’t feel wet and therefore don’t really know what it feels like until potty-training accidents happen.
Kids learn from accidents about how long to wait before going to the potty. They also learn what they can expect from you. Will mom or dad get angry? Not care? Yell or reassure me?
And that’s not all, accidents can also be a good thing as they can inspire your child to be dry. They can motivate your child to get to the potty sooner next time.
If you’re disappointed, angry, frustrated, or fed-up that’s what your child is going to pick up.
Now, remember, kids love positive and negative attention. They NEED to feel powerful and when you lose it because they had an accident (you’re human, you’re going to lose it sometime because that’s how we’re wired) it may have the opposite effect than you’re going for.
It can actually lead to more accidents because your toddler thinks that all the attention accidents are getting is terrific.
So even though it can be super challenging, I’m hoping I can reframe accidents for you so you find it easier to support your child through this phase of learning.
If you approach accidents as natural, expected, and understandable - you’ll convey a reassuring and non-judgemental message. Think about this, when your toddler was learning to walk, you didn’t expect him/her just to get up and start walking. You didn’t interpret each stumble as a failure. Most likely, when your toddler fell you considered this as part of the learning process.
Toilet training is the same.
Your toddler will learn from the stumbles or the accidents.
A toddler doesn’t know how long they can push it when they need to pee. They don’t know how long they can hold before going to the potty. So while they are listening to their bodies, they may decide to put off going to the potty because they’re really engaged with whatever they’re doing. Hold-and-dash accidents don’t mean your toddler isn’t ready for training. It means they need more experience to perfect their timing.
You haven’t done anything wrong.
Your toddler will look to you when she has accidents about how she should feel about them. I don’t want you to go to a place of guilt, because you’re human and cleaning up accidents isn’t easy, fun, or pleasant. But the more you can genuinely feel relaxed about the accidents and see them as a natural part of the learning, the easier it will be to manage them calmly.
Let’s talk about how to respond to accidents so we send a message that says, “I believe in you. You can do this.”
Remember, your child will soak up how you feel about accidents. This is where you want to send the message that no matter what happens, I believe you can do this. Accidents don’t upset me because I know you’re learning from them.
Here are some responses that send the message, “I believe in you.”
So, if your toddler has an accident, even if it’s 1 second after asking them if they need to use the potty, say something like, “Ooops. Your pants are wet. I bet that doesn’t feel very nice. That’s what we’re trying to get in the potty.”
Or
“Ooops. It looks like you didn’t make it to the potty in time. The next time you have that I need to go pee feeling, let me know if I can help.”
Or
“Oh, it looks like you’re wet. That happens. Just listen to your body. You’re really good at that.”
Or
“Ooops, you didn’t make it to the potty. No biggie. I bet next time you can make it to the potty.”
From the pediatrician's point of view, if your child has been dry for a long time and then begins to have frequent accidents, I would suggest speaking with your healthcare provider, as a urine sample will occasionally be needed, or constipation can sometimes be the problem.
Back to accidents.
Your child needs to know you believe in them, that you have to trust them, and have confidence in them. Learning and growing take time. Supporting your child, instead of yelling, threatening, or punishing them when accidents happen, is how you give your toddler the opportunity to learn. Just say, “You’re learning to listen to your body. It can take time but you can do it!”
You will be able to ditch those diapers sooner when you and your toddler stay on the same team.
Also, be prepared for accidents. Carry a change of clothes with you when you go out. Go check out the bathroom before it’s needed when you’re visiting somewhere unfamiliar.
But before we go, we need to talk about one last thing. What if you lose your cool? This is likely to happen as you’re human. Don’t beat yourself up. Please!
Here’s what you can say: “I’m sorry I got angry about the pee on the floor. I was just thinking about the pee and poop in the potty. I wasn’t thinking about how you feel when accidents happen.”
Finally, your child will become potty trained! Trust them, have confidence in them, and Believe in their ability to grow and learn. They just need more time. Potty training is a learning experience for both of you.
