Mady’s fingers are digging into my back, as her teacher, Nancy, walks towards us. Nancy’s smiling warmly, pretending that everything is fine. Nancy spreads out her arms to take Mady, who only tightens her grip on me. I leave plenty of time for drop-offs but I still feel the pressure of needing to get to my office on time. I’m a stickler for being on time. But more than anything, I feel the guilt, gut-wrenching heartbreak, and desperation that follow our goodbyes every single morning. This went on for weeks and weeks until I discovered something that made a huge difference. Which I’ll share with you in a bit. 

It's normal for toddlers to feel some anxiety when saying goodbye. After all, you're everything to your child! The thought of being without you can make a child feel sad and scared. However, it's important to help your child learn how to cope with separation and sadness in a healthy way. 

All kids feel some anxiety at some point. It’s normal. In fact, between 18 months and 3 years, most kids will be clingy during this time. However, there’s a great variety of how difficult separations will be. But the good news is, kids outgrow separation anxiety. I know this all too well. Another story I’ll share in a bit

Every child is different so it’s impossible to say when separation anxiety will appear or fade. It’s normal and expected.  

Let’s look at how to handle it. 

Short goodbyes are best. When you show anxiety about the situation or keep coming back to check in and see how your little one is doing, you send the message there’s something to worry about. So avoid delaying or waiting to see if your child settles down. 

SEE THEM 

One of the most important things in life is to feel seen and understood. This is true whether you’re 1 year or 60 years old.

Say goodbye without dawdling but also don’t brush off your child’s feelings. Remember, your toddler wants to feel seen and understood. So saying something like, “You’re sad Mommy’s leaving. I understand.” 

Although it’s natural to want to spare our children from grief, allowing them to feel sad is respectful. You’re not denying feelings, you’re not telling your child what she should feel, and you‘re not pushing feelings to the side. You’re showing your child,  you see, understand, and care about her feelings. 

It's much better to name the feelings 💜 your child is experiencing and help them build up their resilience by teaching them how to cope with separation anxiety.⁣

DON’T SNEAK OUT

If you sneak out, your child will worry you’re going to disappear without warning. Guess what this causes? — more clinginess. 

Sneaking out when they're distracted might seem like the easy way out, but it's not helpful in the long run. Here's why.

❌ while sneaking out may delay a scene, it tends to escalate meltdowns in the future. ⁣

❌ Sneaking out may cause anxiety and distrust—-which is not at all what you intended. ⁣

Develop a goodbye ritual. Kiss-hug-nose-rub was our routine. This means goodbyes always end with a feel-good moment. Blow bubbles on both cheeks, high-five and I love you…whatever works for you. This is a signal for both of you that you’re going to leave now. With a consistent goodbye routine, you build trust and make leaving easier down the road (way down the road, it won’t improve overnight)!⁣

PREP - This is a powerful way to make goodbyes easier. Prepare your child for daycare/school drop-offs by explaining exactly what’s going to happen. Do this every morning. Again, a short review is best. 

Give details of what is going to happen. Include what you child might feel and what to do about those feelings. For instance, teach your child a mantra: such as, “Mommy loves me, Daddy loves me…” or teach deep breathing (we called this magic breathing) 

So here’s an example of how to prep. 

Tomorrow is daycare. You’re going to get up in the morning and put your clothes on. Then you’re going to come downstairs and have breakfast. After breakfast, we’ll brush our teeth and then get in the car. 

We’ll drive to school, park the car and then mommy will come to the school entrance. I will say goodbye at the door and we'll do our kiss-hug-nose rub. I will be back after naptime (remember kids don’t get time so try and associate this with an event). 

You may feel sad when mommy leaves or you may just be excited to go play with your friends. Both feelings are totally normal. 

If you feel sad, you can take magic breaths. They will help you feel better. Let’s practice a few right now. 

Then after a few magic breaths, go find a friend and or an activity to do. 

Mommy packed your picture album, so you can peek at it whenever you want.  

USE PLAYTIME - Kids work out many issues through play. Eavesdrop and notice what your child talks about when playing on her own. Use playtime to practice daycare/school dropoff routines. Let your child play both roles. 

JOIN A FRIEND, AND GO TOGETHER

Earlier, I promised to tell you what solved Mady’s drop-off problems. Most days, it was my job to take the kids to school as my husband leaves too early. So I’d drop off the older kids first and then take Mady to her class. I asked Mady what would make her drop-off easier. That’s how I make sure we’re on the same team and working together to solve the problem. 

Instead of thinking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Think, “This is tough on you.”

Mady adored her older siblings and She wanted her older sister to walk her into her class.  So We said our goodbyes in the car, and Marissa took Mady’s hand and they walked off laughing … and that was the end of her drop-off problems. I don’t like stories that sound too good to be true… but this is a true story. Why did I share this story? For a few reasons…. 

1. The importance of staying on the same team
2. The importance of Asking your child ⁣how you can help
3. Kids are full of surprises

READ - the kissing hand - by Audrey Penn

How to Stay connected after you leave

A small photo album can provide connection and comfort. I’d make a little photo album together with your child so she feels some connection to it. 

TEACH COPING SKILLS

Practice deep breathing or using a mantra for helping to soothe upset. Use a time when your child is happy and relaxed to practice this. 

One of the things I teach in my course, Toddlers Made Easy, is a strategy I encourage parents to use with any tricky toddler moment. 

When I was a medical school student, I discovered the power of acronyms. There was so much information to consume, remember, and recall and I found that in high-pressure moments, I was able to perform better when I relied on an acronym. Specifically, when i was frazzled, it helped me think straight. 

I have used this same concept with parents to help them remain calm and handle problems with intention and respect using the acronym EASY. This proven strategy helps parents stay calm when they’re feeling revved up. 

So, we’re going to use the same approach here. 

First here’s an overview

E- evaluate

A- acknowledge feelings

S- stick to your boundaries

Y- find the yes

✔️ E. - EVALUATE⁣

Take a quick moment before saying a word to gain some composure. ⁣

✔️ A - ACKNOWLEDGE FEELINGS⁣

Name your child’s feelings and let them know it’s okay. ⁣

⁣“Aww, sweetie, you’re sad mommy is going to work. That’s really hard. After Mommy says ‘goodbye’, take some deep breaths as we practised. And then go have some fun and play with your friends.”⁣

✔️ S- STICK TO YOUR BOUNDARIES⁣

Boundaries aren’t always about telling kids not to do things. Here, it’s about leaving with respect for your child’s experience but without long drawn-out goodbyes. GRANT A WISH⁣:⁣ “What book do you want to read when mommy gets home?” (AND DO THIS WHEN YOU GET HOME!)⁣

✔️ Y - YES. Find something your toddler can do that helps them move on. Which is the BYE-BYE RITUAL:⁣ Next comes your bye-bye ritual (kiss-hug-nose-rub) ⁣

⁣

. . . and then it’s time to leave🚪. ⁣

⁣

With a consistent goodbye routine, you build trust and make leaving easier down the road (way down the road, it won’t improve overnight)!⁣

The second story I promised - my daughter overcame her separation anxiety so thoroughly that she now lived all over the world in the last decade. 

So let’s do a quick rehash -  

Sneaking out might seem like an easy solution to toddler separation anxiety, but it's not helpful in the long run. It's much better to name the feelings your child is experiencing and help them build up their resilience by teaching them how to cope with separation anxiety.